Amber stared at her bedroom ceiling. She had been awoken by a loud crash outside. She stood up and walked to her open window. As she settled down on the window seat the smell of fresh flowers overcame her.
She took a moment to look at the beautiful scene of flowers and bees buzzing around the newly blossomed trees. She laughed to herself when she noticed a large dog rolling in the damp grass, then got up and dressed in a light blue half jacket over a white tank top and a pair of jean capris.
Ounce upstairs, she walked into the silent kitchen, poured herself a large glass of orange juice and put a piece of bread in the toaster. She opened up the window and the smell of early-morning spring filled the kitchen. Her toast popped up, drawing her attention away from the window. She grabbed her toast, the jam, and a butter knife, then she sat down at table and began spreading jam across her toast.
Do you like my story so far?
I like what you have written so far it not to serious and they have jokes that kids us now adays
Post it when ur done writting it I what to know what happened :)
Rude commant by the first person I don't see u writing anything
Reply:That's awesome! When you add moe to it email me at lilianashane@yahoo.com . Thanks.
~Liliana~
Reply:pretty good but...i got bored fast...the humor is typical and watered down....be a little more original ...other than that its perfect
Reply:Sounds good so far. Check your spelling and punctuation though. (once is misspelled twice)
Reply:The story has really good potential. However, it takes a while to find out what the main idea is. Try focusing more on what is really important here. The details are good, but try to use them more sparingly, otherwise, your story will just be made up of little details.
So, when it comes down to it, focus on the plot and structure of the story, otherwise your readers will be lost in confustion while trying to toast the jam. I hope this has helped.
Reply:I'm just going to read through and write things as I think of them:
Seems like you're hiding a fact unnecessarily in the first scene when you call the kitchen "silent." Don't you mean empty since she's the first one in (or am I wrong about that)? I'm a bit confused, maybe her mom was already there reading the romance novel but if you state, "She walked into the kitchen where her mother read silently." Much clearer.
I like how you are able to confidently skip eating since it holds no importance to the plot, however at times I question some of the dialog's importance. The scene with the coffee is funny, but how does it tie in? Other than, I suppose it introduces and develops Lorrie. Just be aware, Lorrie comes off as a bit of a trouble maker, as the first thing we see her doing is defying her mother's wishes -- if that doesn't come into play later than it's just fat and needs to be cut.
"Quotes are written like this," he said. It is one sentence, one complete thought, not two. You did it right in spots but also did it the wrong way several times also.
-- not __.
The scene with the fire (though there's a sentence fragment in there) is good because you keep an eye on all three characters and a dog, noting eaches reaction. Very considerate of you.
Good with the later dialog, I could easily tell who was talking and you hardly used tags. That is how dialog is written.
The mom is a bit of a kid herself, egging on the older sister, making fun of the younger one. I'm not sure I'd trust my kids with her but she sure makes for an entertaining personality. She tries to be authoritative but ends up looking quite silly in the end.
Overall, this scene is not enough to know where this will go from here, but my advice is to be aware of these events. Remember, fiction isn't about saying everything it's about telling a story. Only dialog, scenes, characters that will influence the movement of the plot need be included, others should be shot on sight. Okay, maybe not shot per say, maybe just politely deleted. But politely deleted with CONVICTION!
Best of luck with your story writing.
http://apex.darkbb.com
Reply:I'm not even going to judge it, don't try to get opinions with it being incomplete reason being its incomplete. the minute you share it you will have suggestions, which wont make it your own idea (even though feed back is good but they don't have the story complete like you do or should at least in mind).
I know it can be frustrating or even doubtfull on what you have going but give it some time, leave it alone when your feel like that and comeback to it. once its done it will all make sense.
Im working on something as wel. thanks for the help on the writting style you have going I might try it.
Reply:This is just a quick rundown on what hits me immediately. Please know this. It is not meant to be mean. When I read things here I see no hope for, I don't even bother to write a critique. I only do it for works I think show promise and when I think the author can improve by working on their skills. This is what I see with a quick read through.
Too much detail. We don't need to know every article of clothing she puts on. Saying she got dressed in plenty. We also don't need to know how she eats breakfast. Those kinds of details are best left to the imagination of the reader. I think we can safely say everyone knows how to eat toast.
Secondly you tend to use passive voice. She had been awoken by a loud crash outside is a really awkward sentence. A loud crash outside woke her up is much stronger.
You tend to start most of your sentences with She. Avoid that by reversing some of the sentences like I did with the loud crash one. Mix it up.
The first sentence is very weak. It does nothing to draw me into the story. In fact, it does just the opposite. If your character is bored, staring at the ceiling, your reader will be bored by her. You need a much better way to draw readers into the story.
You also tend to use run on sentences on occasion."She laughed to herself when she noticed a large dog rolling in the damp grass, then got up and dressed in a light blue half jacket over a white tank top and a pair of jean capris." Should be two or three sentences.
Work on characterization. The characters are flat and 2 dimensional and as a result, your dialogue doesn't sound real. It has no sparkle like when real people speak to each other. It sounds lifeless. The more you flesh out your people the better your dialogue gets. You should know your characters as well as you know your best friend. It will help you when it comes to characters making decisions. The more you know about them, the more you know what they will do.
That is just a start. Work on it--there is lots of room for improvement. Pax-C
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